Elevator Malfunction
by Virtuella
Summary: A bout of silliness prompted me to dream up my own idiosyncratic self-insert drop-in story. You may find it moderately amusing. Fangirls: It's got Legolas in it! Flamers: Please flame, it's got a Mary Sue!


_**Middle-earth belongs to Tolkien.**_

"_**The Gruffalo" is a popular picture book by Axel Scheffler and Julia Donaldson.**_

_**If you don't know about lucid dreaming, find out – it's cool!**_

* * *

"Look at that one, Mrs Nicoll!"

Darren pointed out a massive horse in the book he held on his lap. It was the last day before the summer holidays, and I had taken my group up to the library. Cathy, the support assistant, was sitting in the alcove and read to Billy. Since there were no other classes in the room, I had allowed the ambulant children to roam freely among the shelves. I had found a book to my own liking and hoped to manage a few glances into it.

Ellie touched my arm, and when I looked up, she made the signs for "book" and for "cake".

"Yes, off you go," I replied, "you know where the cookery books are."

A big grin appeared on her face and she stomped towards a shelf at the far end of the room. She pulled out several volumes and settled herself on one of the little sofas by the window.

"What book are you looking at, Mrs Nicoll?" someone shouted into my ear. I breathed in and out slowly.

"Please, Matthew, _please _use your library voice. It's a book about a film that I like."

"Where is that?" he said and pointed to a photograph in the book.

"Somewhere in New Zealand."

"Have you been there?"

"No. It's on the other side of the Earth. It would take you a whole day to get there, even by aeroplane. Several weeks by ship."

"I've been on a ship!"

"So you have. That was a great holiday you had at Easter, wasn't it?"

From the alcove, I saw Cathy signing that it was time for her coffee break. I nodded in acknowledgement, and she rose and came over to me.

"Is that okay? Lauren will come up in a little while."

"That's fine," said I, "as long as she's here in time to help us get back downstairs. I'll take over with Billy."

I took a couple of picture books from the stand and sat down next to Billy's chair. The boy smiled at me and waved his hand. I placed the books on his tray and made the sign for "which?"

"Which one shall I read to you, Billy? This one? Or this one? The Gruffalo? Okay, let's read it then. _A mouse took a stroll through the deep, dark wood..."_

Billy chuckled about the silly voices I put on to represent the animals in the story. We had just come to the bit where the owl flees at the mention of owl ice cream, when Darren appeared next to us.

"I need the toilet, Mrs Nicoll!"

"_...and away owl flew._ Not now, Darren, wait till break time."

"But I need a pee!"

"Darren, I have told you a thousand times, you should go to the toilet at break time and between classes, not _during_ classes. It's not long until the bell now. Look, here's Lauren, show her that big horse."

Darren marched off with his book to impress the other support assistant with photos of Clydesdales, while Billy and I continued our story session. When I had read the last page, Billy made the sign for "more". I was pleased with his signing and began to read the book from the start. From the corner of my eye I saw that Lauren was encouraging Matthew and Ellie to return their books to the correct places. Where was Darren?

"Mrs Nicoll, I really need to pee!"

I glanced up at the clock. It was five to eleven. I waved to Lauren and signed "break time". She nodded.

"Can you take these three down with you? Darren needs the loo. Billy and I will follow you in a minute, but we still have three pages to go."

"No probs, Mrs Nicoll, " said Lauren and ushered Matthew, Ellie and Darren out of the library. Billy and I finished the book and put it back on the stand, waved good-bye to the librarian and made for the lift. I pushed the chair inside and turned it so that Billy could see the control panel.

"We want to go to the first floor, Billy. Can you find the number one?"

The boy stretched out his hand and let it hover over the panel. Then his finger pushed the button with the number one on it.

"Well done, Billy!" I said and made a mental note to add _Recognizing numbers up to five_ to his IEP for next year. The doors closed and with a small jolt the lift began its descent. I pulled a face at my reflection in the mirror. Why did they have to put full-length mirrors into these lifts anyway – small spaces where you couldn't escape yourself? I didn't need reminding that I had to lose weight. When I felt the lift come to a halt, I turned towards the exit.

The doors opened and I blinked. Then I blinked again. Instead of the corridor by to the reception area, I was looking at grass. And hills. And snow-capped mountains in the distance. For a second I wondered if there was another lift in the school and I had absentmindedly sauntered into it. Could we have a lift that opened out into the grounds? But the grass was too rough to be a football pitch, and the mountains were most definitely not Ben Ledi and Ben Lomond. For a start, they were way too _high_.

"Wait here a minute, Billy, I just have to check something."

Cautiously, I stepped out of the lift and looked around. The chain of mountains stretched all the way along the horizon. The grass underfoot was dotted with unfamiliar looking small yellow flowers. Some twenty yards ahead, there appeared to be a path. I walked up to it. It didn't look as if it got much use. To my right, it wound its way into the hills. To the left, it disappeared in a cluster of trees. Trees with brown and yellow leaves. In June. This was definitely,_ definitely_ wrong. I turned back. The lift was standing incongruously on the grass, and behind it was yet more blooming scenery. Moreover, the place looked uncannily familiar, like something I had seen only a little while ago.

Inside the lift, Billy stretched out his hand and reached for the control panel.

"No, Billy, no!" I shouted, but he had already pressed a button. The doors began to close. I made a mad dash towards the lift, but before I could reach it, the two metal panels touched and the entire contraption disappeared without so much as a Plop.

Then it dawned on me what was going on. I had just experienced a completely unmotivated change of location that defied all logic. So I was dreaming. Of course. _Yay, lucid dream, here we go! Haven't had one of these in ages!_ Just to make sure, I glanced at my black shoes, closed my eyes, thought _Red!_ and looked back down. My shoes were still black. I counted my fingers. There were five on each hand, and when I pulled at one of them, it didn't get any longer. Never mind, the reality checks didn't always work, but the important thing was to remain aware that you're dreaming. Now, what did I fancy doing?

Unbidden, a group of people had appeared on the path from the direction of the trees. I scanned them and frowned. I knew who_ they_ were all right. There were nine of them, and their shapes and attire could only mean one thing. The old man with the staff, hat and beard, the five shorter figures, the other three...

"No no, not _you lot," _I said and waved a hand at them in indignation. "I want to go to the seaside and ride a horse along the beach." I closed my eyes, thought _Horse!_ and opened them again. There was no horse to be seen, other than the inevitable Bill The Pony. Why did these lucid dreams never work out the way I wanted them to?

Meanwhile, Aragorn and Boromir had drawn their swords. I guessed the one in the smarter clothes to be Boromir. He was less handsome than I had imagined him, but to be fair the sight of the sword in his hand probably played a big part in that impression. The ethereal looking person that could only be Legolas had an arrow ready (the bow was another give-away, of course) and the obvious Gimli had his hand on the handle of his axe. Gandalf gestured to them to wait and addressed me.

"Who are you and what are you doing in this land?"

"Oh, never mind me, I'm just passing through," I replied. "I didn't want you to be in this dream, I think you've just cropped up because of that book I looked at in the library. Huh, all I need now is for the Gruffalo to burst out of the wood. Or an attack of carnivorous chocolate cakes. This is all just fictional overkill, but with your permission, I have other plans. I want one of Darren's Clydesdales. Go away."

Instead of disappearing, Gandalf came closer. He glanced at my chest, then looked up with a puzzled expression.

"What does this writing on your tunic mean?"

Dress down day at school meant that I wore a black t-shirt with white lettering, which announced to the world in general that LORD VETINARI RULES. I sighed. It would have been nice to visit his lordship again, but the Tolkien characters seemed to feel too much at home in this dream. It looked as if I wasn't getting rid of them. Might as well wake up. Now, how did you do that again? I _was_ dreaming, wasn't I? I tried to poke my finger through the palm of my other hand, but it met resistance. Good grief, if I wasn't dreaming, then what on Earth was going on? I pinched my nose shut with my fingers and found that I couldn't breathe. Rats, I was awake!

The entire fellowship was closing in on me now, with the hobbits sheltering behind the men. Legolas was next to Gandalf. I heard him whisper to the wizard.

"She doesn't look like one of_ them_. And she behaves in a _very_ odd way."

Gandalf nodded. "Yet neither does she seem to be a spy of the Enemy. My heart tell me she is of quite a different kind. I will question her and find out." He took yet another step towards me. I moved backwards.

"What is your desire here?" he asked me. "Do you wish to join us in our quest?"

"Not at all, I assure you. I don't have the nerve for that amount of blood and gore."

"Hmmm. A strange answer, if ever I heard one," replied Gandalf. "But not all may be as it seems. Perhaps you believe you are the half-elven sister of this man here?"

"Don't be silly! I do have a brother, who suits me very well." Aragorn glared at me. He didn't look like Viggo Mortensen at all.

"Well, do you intend to sing to us then?"

"No!" I snapped. "I want to get back exactly where I came from, _right now_. There is a non-verbal child in a wheelchair stuck in a lift, and I have a class to teach period 3. Perhaps I will sing to _them. _I have no time to frolic around here with some fictional characters."

Gandalf, Aragorn and Legolas exchanged glances.

"We do not know what you are talking about," said Aragorn.

"I bet you don't. Who cares? Don't get me wrong, I really like your book and all, but you're just fictional. Now run along, there's good lads."

Oh dear. That had been the wrong tone of voice to take with them. Aragorn and Boromir looked positively hostile. The hobbits were whispering with each other, and I saw Frodo – I assumed it was Frodo, he looked the eldest of the four - drawing Sting. On a signal from Gandalf, all nine advanced on me. Just as I thought that this would probably be a suitable time for a bit of panic, I heard a faint humming sound behind me. I looked over my shoulder.

A couple of yards away two metal panels stood on the grass side by side and began to slide apart, revealing the empty interior of the lift. I ran, jumped, dived inside and slammed my hand on the first button I could reach. Something whistled past my ear and bounced off the metal wall. Then the doors closed and the lift began to move. I exhaled. My glance fell on the object that was lying on the floor. I stooped to pick it up. Seconds later the doors opened again and I was met by the reassuring sight of grey linoleum, white walls, potted plants – and Cathy.

"Oh, there you are! We've all been looking for you. Lauren said Billy came down all by himself. What happened?"

"Don't ask," I replied as I stepped out of the lift. "You don't want to know. Trust me, nobody in their right mind would want to know about this kind of thing."

Cathy shrugged. "Suit yourself, Mrs Nicoll. Better get back, bell's gone."

We walked along the corridor towards our department. I hid the arrow behind my back, and when we came to a litterbin, I dropped it in.


End file.
